Child development specialist urges parents to give clearer instructions

Child development specialist Siggie Cohen, who says she has worked with more than 5,000 families, is urging parents to rely less on questions and give children clearer direction. In an essay for CNBC, Cohen said many household conflicts begin when adults turn firm expectations into prompts that children may read as optional.

Cohen, a preschool teacher, professor and child development specialist, frames the guidance as a communication rule: say what you mean. Her argument is that children can benefit from respectful conversation, but they do not have the experience or emotional maturity to help decide every routine matter or infer what a parent intends during tense moments.

Why some questions create friction

According to Cohen, parents often ask questions for constructive reasons. They may want children to feel respected, included or heard. That impulse can show up in daily choices, such as asking what a child wants for dinner, or in moments of frustration, such as asking why a child has repeated a behavior.

Cohen said the problem arises when the question is not a real request for information. A rhetorical question such as asking why a child has to be told repeatedly can heighten shame or defensiveness, she wrote. A clearer version would acknowledge that the adult has been repeating instructions and then state the next action, such as putting on shoes and leaving.

The mechanism is straightforward: young children often respond to the surface meaning of adult language. If a parent asks whether a child can put on shoes, the child may hear a choice rather than a direction. If a parent asks why a room is messy during a correction, the child may focus on blame rather than the task of cleaning.

Direct language for boundaries

Cohen said parents should pause before reacting and identify the message they are trying to send. If a child hits a sibling, for example, she recommends stating that hitting is not allowed, while still helping the child find another way to express anger. If a room is cluttered, she suggests describing what needs to be fixed and offering to clean up together.

Her advice separates collaboration from authority. Questions can be useful when they invite reflection, problem-solving or self-expression, Cohen wrote. They are less useful when adults already know the limit they intend to enforce.

• For a non-negotiable departure, Cohen favors a calm instruction such as telling a child to put shoes on because the family is leaving.
• For dinner, she recommends stating that the meal is ready and asking the child to wash hands.
• For bedtime, she advises saying that it is time for bed rather than adding a question that suggests room for debate.

Questions still have a role

Cohen does not argue that parents should stop asking children questions. She wrote that questions can build confidence and self-awareness when used to help children think, explain feelings or consider solutions. Her point is that children do not need constant questioning to feel respected.

Clearer language, in Cohen’s view, gives children a steadier sense of what will happen next. She said parents can reduce avoidable power struggles by deciding when leadership is needed, when cooperation is appropriate and when a child needs a direct instruction rather than a negotiation.

Cohen is the author of You Are the Parent. CNBC identified her as a Pepperdine University graduate with a master’s degree in education and psychology and as holding a PhD in philosophy from Northcentral University. She lives in the Bay Area, where she has a private practice, according to CNBC.

This story draws on original reporting from CNBC.